True Happiness

I don't know about anyone else, but everywhere I look I see unhappy people. Oh they may not look that way on the surface, with a pasted smile and their hair just perfect and stunning outfit...I see something behind the outer shell. I"m not even talking about those days where you have to paste the smile on and do whatever you can to "just make it through the day" I'm talking about the day in day out facade of being happy, when really, the storm rages inside.
I have seen people try to best another-instead of being happy for them. Instead of walking our own individual journey, there seems to be a need to walk the same path as another.. and try to do it better. 
I have heard people verbally bashing another-instead of celebrating their success, they try to tear down that person because of their jealousy. I have seen people undermine and even sabotage others, to get what they want, and try to make a fool of the other person.

Why are we doing this to one another? 

Discontent

Jealousy

Self-pity

 Unhappiness

It looks different on everyone, adults..kids.. adults acting like kids...if we could just see what we do to others..and ourselves in the process? I don't think we'd continue our behavior much longer.
It isn't easy to see someone succeeding and be standing in the same spot, and its nothing new. 1 Samuel 18 talks about David and Saul's friendship, how great it was until one started to succeed above the other.
 "Saul struck down his thousands..and David his ten thousands" and thus began the root of envy that leads Saul to try to kill David.

How far will our discontent take us?

  I was working on my study this week where I read a quote in the margin by Nancy Leigh DeMoss "Happiness is not found in(or out of) marriage. No one person can meet my needs or make me happy. True joy can only be found through Christ. "

Proverbs says.. there is a way that seems right to a man but in the end leads to death. Maybe that death isn't physical, although it certainly could be, maybe its internal. The more unhappy we are, the more we die inside. Our happiness is not circumstantial. I know the discontent of financial struggles, of a frustrating job, a small house, being physically unfit, always sitting on the sidelines and never participating with the "in" crowd. We all struggle with wanting more-but what we need more of-is God.  All of our gaps-nothing can fill them. Not a bigger house, more money, a "perfect" spouse or kids, successful job or place in society.. none of that will fill your life more permanently then He can.

I think we would be more happy and content if we took our eyes off of everyone else, even off of ourselves-and focused on our Creator.  When I'm reading my Bible, and spending time in prayer-my focus gets off of me, and onto Him. Only then can I be genuinely happy for others in their journey, especially when it means its better than what I'm capable of. I can encourage others and be thrilled with their success-and you know what? I've seen people, their jobs..whatever it is they are working on-thrive. It doesn't just stick with one person, joy spreads like wildfire-and isn't that what we want?! There is so much freedom in letting go-and letting God have His rightful place in my heart. There is no one, no thing in this life that can make me feel as special as the One who sent His Son-to die on the cross for me. He gave is life for me-I aim to live mine for Him.

 Happy.

http://www.francescamusic.com/strangelydim#_=_

I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

I don't know I don't know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You're holding it all
So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
'Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I'm gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Never Give Up

There are times when you have changing moments, I feel like I've had a year of them. As I've continued on the path of weight loss, all its ups, downs, and figuring out the heart change-not just being on a diet. Josh and I both made goals and one of mine included running a mile. Does that sound small and insignificant? Probably to most it does, and maybe even a little silly. Here's the thing. I've never run a full mile without walking or stopping. I was never athletic( and not claiming to be so now!) when I was younger, I played soccer in elementary and gave it up along with my one season of basketball and softball-boy was I awful at both of those sports! I moved on to my favorite past time of music and stuck with that. Running never appealed to me, but they actually make you do it in school-for a grade. My kids tell me they still do. I'm not trying to say they shouldn't-what I've never liked-what started my avoidance of running-is the fact that they timed you. If you were unable to get it done in a certain amount of time-you had to do it over, and over, and over. I'm not competitive, I didn't have a lot of determination, especially when it came to running. So I cheated. My gym class was about 50-60 kids, running around a track, and you were responsible for running the four laps and getting the time on your last lap. I jog/walked three. I had thought I had figured out how to do it so that the teacher didn't know I cheated-but looking back I'm sure they knew a lot of us did it. I always thought I had beat the system, I passed gym class(barely) and figured that part of my life was over. I realize now, I only cheated myself. I gave up on trying, gave up on getting better, and it only became easier to give up in other areas. I didn't have a plan for when I was going to attempt to run a mile, thought I would do it by fall and life got busy, so I put it on the back burner of-its too cold-I'll do it next year. Until I heard about the annual Turkey Trot. Its a fundraiser for the YMCA and they have a 1mile Family Fun Run. I always giggle when I hear "fun" and "run" in the same sentence. I've just never though of running as fun as for me, its hard work and hard work doesn't equate to fun. I figured I'd sign up our whole family and take the pressure off myself of actually running the whole mile without stopping. If you take your kids, of course you will have to stop, and then the blame rests on them, not myself...right?? As I was signing up I realized we would not be able to afford for all of us to participate, and couldn't figure how to only take a few of the kids,so to be fair(to them) I was the only one that signed up. I planned to meet a friend as she was signed up with her family and felt glad I wasn't going to do this alone but I got nervous the week of the race. What was I doing? I have NEVER participated in any race, I didn't know what I was doing-where did I pin the paper on my shirt, what do I wear if its cold-or warm and then the doubt and pressure crept in. This was it, I had a chance to finally get over a hurdle and embarrassing moment in my life of being a mile cheater. I've been losing  weight, training in the gym, but could I run one mile-and not stop? I prayed on the drive down that morning, asking God to give me strength of mind. I knew I wouldn't be able to do this alone, as I've so easily given up in this area especially in my life, I needed God to get me through it. I can't say I had a peace that this was it, I was going to do it, but I did know that He was with me, whether I was going to make it..or not. As I started out I was in awe of the people around me-kids, adults, dogs, people with strollers, people in wheelchairs.. all smiling, some laughing, there were having fun. I tried to adjust my pace as I could tell I was going too fast and would burn out quickly. I had no idea where I was going-I had looked at the map of the route-but even though this was my city and I've driven this street I'm jogging on a million times, I, as usual, didn't understand the map. I followed the crowd and got to a point where I realized we were going up a street and then coming up on the turn-a-round. I started to struggle, feeling a little like I wasn't going to be able to make it, if I hadn't made the halfway point-how was I going to get to the end?? The halfway point came up before I knew it and I was on my way back and still considering giving up. It felt too long, too hard and started to tell myself it was okay, I could try to do the mile another day, but then God showed up-audibly. It wasn't His voice particularly, but the voice of my friend's friend. She was encouraging her daughter, her very young daughter that she could do it. It was a constant stream of encouragement, telling her daughter she could do this, telling her how to breathe a cramp in her side out, not to give up, the end was in coming up and she was going to make it. I listened to those beautiful words, and took them for myself-and thanked God for putting her next to me at that moment in time. Suddenly I saw the banner of the finish line and got excited-I was going to do it. The closer I got I was able to see the sign with the time on it, and felt a bit of disappointment as it wasn't what I expected to see, but shoved that off as I realized that wasn't why I was there. I was merely feet away from completing a whole mile, running(okay jogging) non-stop. I'm not ashamed to say that the tears came quickly and I was elated that I had overcome.. I made it.. I completed another goal. I quickly hugged my friend as I passed through the finish line and kept walking as I was so overcome with emotion I needed a minute to let it set in. One mile. Nothing big or life changing to others-but to me-it meant so much. I didn't give up, God gave me the strength to get through and accomplish this goal. 

 

Turkey Trot 2012

My number  means  I was in the 1 mile, not the 5 mile race. To me, it represents the first race I've ever participated in. The first time I've ever run one mile. That putting God first in my life, He can accomplish great things through me.

Clothes: A weightloss issue.

You get excited for that result, losing sizes,and fitting into old clothes. It's like the ultimate test beyond the number on that scale, the number that can make you want to chuck it out the window..and the number you scream- I DID IT!!!
 I've gotten to experience all that this year and as the cold has come, started to try on clothes I had saved from previous years that I always wanted to get back in to. I was shocked that everything was too big. I'm still not to my goal, but didn't think I had decreased past sizes I was only a few years ago.
So I started to purge everything that didn't fit me. This photo shows every piece of clothing I own that fits me right now. Most everything is work out clothes, short sleeved at that, and I own 1 pair of jeans. I have a whole other set of empty hangers on the bottom rung, not pictured.






I didn't take a picture of Josh's side of the closet but its the same thing. It is exciting and inspiring us to keep on doing what we are doing, to not ever look back at the old 'us'. The problem right now is.. its expensive to buy a whole new wardrobe...for both of us. You will see me in the same shirts, or always wearing work out clothes, but that just means I'm
1.Cheap ;)
2. Still working on getting to my goal!
Now.. off to donate the boxes of clothing I never intend to fit into again!

Insecurity

Idols.

 In this day and age, the first thought in our minds is celebrity's, someone we admire. Not so much the idols of old, where people would make something from wood, gold, silver to bow down and worship it-actually there are still people that do that today. In the Bible, many made idols and expected this man made thing to bring them rain, food, whatever their "need" was, they asked this..object for. I read it and think, that is so stupid. I don't buy something from Pottery Barn, bow down to it, and expect it to fulfill me. Except-if I was to dig deep in my soul, I actually have more idols than I realize. 

I'm working through a study at church called Stuck. It caught my attention because I know there are areas in my life I get stuck-many areas. One that was brought up recently is  insecurity and fear of people. At the risk of looking like a fool  here, it is a problem I deal with. To be bluntly honest-I worry about what others think of me. Growing up I used to look at everyone's freckle free face and wonder what was wrong with me, thinking that everyone thought I was ugly because of it. I have a hard time meeting new people for fear they won't like my appearance or personality, to the point that I stay in my shell and don't meet any new people. When I do branch out, I will go home and stress over saying-or not saying-the right things, did I dress well enough... did they accept me? This plagues me to the point that I'm unsure of how to act around others the next time I see them and usually wait for some cue I'm good or "in".

 I have made this an idol in my life.

 The author of Stuck gave the visual of a sit 'n spin. I'm on this sit 'n spin  thinking about what I looked like, said, didn't say, whether I was accepted-for what? What can come from any of this that will add a day to my life?

 In reality its taking away.

 My focus should always be vertical. My first and foremost thoughts should rest on God alone. My worry over this insecurity..this fear.. has given it more value than the God of the universe. I can't live for my selfish vanity of being "okay" with people, I am here for a purpose. To live a life of worship to the Most High God, to share His love with others, I cannot waste another moment of my time with this idol.
 Galatians 1:10 If I were still trying to please man,I would not be a servant of Christ. 
I can't do both. I am not perfect but today-I chose to go vertical, forget my made up thoughts of others of me and who I am. I know whose I am-I am His and He loved me so much, He sent His son to die for me.
I want my life to be all out, not held in by fears. Time to get uncomfortable.

Growing Up

It's about time we grew up, guess now is as good a time as any!  Jaden just ditched the crib for a race car toddler bed-for almost 10 years we've had a crib in this house with one child in it-about to be kicked out for the newest sibling to occupy it. The crib is ready to leave our family -and its so weird to be out of that phase of life-forever.

Age is just a number, I really don't care what's young/old by anyone's standards. I'm just living life-then life says hey-remember when you were in your 20's and had one baby after another and used that crib to hold your sweet sleeping baby, night after night? Yea, you aren't going to be doing that anymore, but never fear! The next hurdle is on its way-its called-the Tween years! I didn't even think about this "tween" thing until I was searching out birthday party ideas for Aubrey, who is about to be 10 in 2 weeks, and Google let me know what the best party was for my "tween"

Um. 

Huh?

I only had to pause for a minute to think about this-tween, in be"tween" child and teenager, and the attitude, mouth and emotional roller coaster my "tween" has displayed the past month. 

Yup.

Fits like a glove.

Just as I remember getting out of sleepless nights from Aubrey, along came Kaylyn and when Kaylyn was potty trained, here came Ella..then Jaden. 

So basically its time to batten down the hatches folks, there's a lot of growing up about to happen in this house-as one turns into a tween, the next and the next.. we will then be swept like a hurricane into full blown teen years. I don't know whether its a sign we are doing a good job as parents or a complete failure, when your kid tells you they want to run away? Although with the week we've had I could *almost* pack her bags for her and send her on her way. It hurts to hear she is that upset with us as parents, but I remind her how much we love her and remind myself its the tough days in life that we have the most opportunity to grow. I encourage her to rise above the difficulty of wanting to go her own way and get to the other side where maturity and strong, moral character awaits.

Halfway There!

Yes-I'm (over by 3lbs) halfway to my goal weight!

 

I couldn't find a good before picture, I had one, but I put it in some obscure folder and now I can't find it-ha!
Since February 2012 I have now lost a total of 38 pounds!
That may be slow to some, but for me, its pretty darn good. I haven't lost this much at one time ever, unless you count that baby weight that hangs on for 6 weeks postpartum before you start to be able to button your pants again.
I think what I'm most proud of is that I'm still doing it, still working on it, and weight keeps coming off. Despite having 4 kids, school activities, summer, work, and all those other things in life that are easy excuses to put off exercising or taking time to make a healthy meal. I'm still not perfect at this new lifestyle, but every day I have a choice to make. If I fail, I pick back up and start again the next meal, if I succeed, I anxiously await those numbers to fall on the scale.
I can't tell you how many times I've tried on old jeans, you know, the one that fit me 8 years ago? The ones that I could totally button up today-YES! Victory!! Well almost, until I realized they were flared and not just tiny flare, I mean, they almost could have been bell bottoms.
sigh.
So long Silvertab jeans,I really thought we were going to be friends again, but you've gone out of style and I have to move on-or be made fun of.
I have that anxious energy to go buy new things-go shopping period is something I hated to do before and now I am loving it, have so many more options and yet I'm such a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl, I get sort of dazed when I approach the clothing section. I'll give myself time to acclimate back into the world of shopping-when I get even closer to my goal weight ;)
Josh has been training me a few nights a week at QC Barbell and still doing the Take Shape for Life program with the Medifast foods.
More updates to follow :)

Weightloss Journey

It's now July and I have been working intentionally on losing weight for 5 months now.
In the beginning it was a struggle to make the changes, but I got it going and saw fast results. I'm just about halfway(1 pound away!) from my goal weight and while I feel I have done well, I can still get down when I think about how much further I need to go. I can easily focus on all my problem areas, feel self-conscious about myself and how I look-and I need to constantly remind myself-that's not ALL its about.

My goal isn't to be skinny, my goal is to be healthy.

I am human though and I will admit that my horrible self-esteem has kept me from public pools. I'm not saying I don't have a slight panic attack before we head out to a pool, but I do have to get my mind in check and realize I didn't go to the pool for any other reason than to have fun with my family, my kids don't care what I look like-just that I'm there-playing with them.
I was out jogging (yes-still attempting the jogging-ha!) and was really about ready to quit, I mean so ready to be done I about called Josh to come pick me up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a car slow and window roll down and thought..great, this person must think I'm dying and need assistance...when I heard her shout-"Yeah! Looking good! Keep going!"I recognized her as a parent from our kids school, I smiled, shouted a thanks and pressed on. The Lord knew I needed a push that morning and I was so surprised she would cheer me on, and I am SO thankful  for her encouragement, I finished well that day and she probably doesn't even know how much she helped me that day.
When you change your heart, you get a complete, long lasting change, when you only work on the surface, its temporal. I know I need to constantly keep myself in check, the way I do that is through prayer. I used to think that God wasn't interested in my weight. I don't think he cares about a size, but I do believe He cares about what I'm putting into and doing to my body. I've ruined mine with food and laziness, and with His mercy and strength,  I'm on the road to long lasting, healthy changes. Daily I have to ask for His strength regarding my food choices, to keep my mind in check, remembering this is a process and its not going to happen over night. Knowing that He will be with me every step of the way.