I have great intentions.
I think about them, dream about them and see myself where I want to be-getting there is the problem.
I have great determination...sometimes. I've determined, my determination. .has ADHD. I start out all fired up-only to putter out to start on something else, or deal with whatever has popped up that is, obviously, way more important.
Maybe the problem is focusing on too much at once?
I see things in other people that I admire, were they always this way, does it come easy to them, did they have to fight tooth and nail to be where they are?
Growing up I'd always considered myself average. Average height, weight, looks, personality. Average is fine, sometimes it puts ya right in the middle. Not a bad spot to be-until average in some areas, takes a downward spiral to "less than".
We all want to fit in, to be accepted, sometimes even appreciated.
Abandoned and lonely are things most people fear. Its a fear of mine. It can make you feel desperate-and people can get stupid when they get desperate.
Desperation can also lead to Redemption. Always, when I get to the end of my rope and fear, loneliness and desperation kick in, I remember Who created me. When determination fails, self loathing seeps in and desperation occurs-He was there-always there with arms wide open, just waiting for me to finally turn and cry out for help.
Why I wait until I'm at the bottom and end of the rope, I'll never understand. How much easier and peaceful my walk would be.
The song in my heart is from Hillsong, Forever Reign:
You are good
You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love
You are love
On display for all to see
You are light
You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope
You are hope
You have covered all my sin
(Verse 2)
You are peace
You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true
You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy
You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life
You are life
In You death has lost its sting
(Chorus)
Oh I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
(Verse 3)
You are more
You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord
You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here
You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God
You are God
Of all else I'm letting go
(Bridge)
Hallelujah forever
All the glory forever
All the praise to You
My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus Jesus
Is there a promise as great as that? He is God. So simple, so true, so comforting. In the depths of my heart, He is the Only One-I pray one day my life will be that all out example, that my valley's won't be so low and when I run to His arms, it won't be because of my lowest desperation, it'll be because He is my King, and there's no other place I'd rather be.
http://youtu.be/wZ3KIXadMoY
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
He holds the whole world in His hands
In the midst of chaos its all I can think about. It didn't come to me easily, but after I sat worried about a myriad of critical issues-I got that still small whisper. I wasted all that time worrying-why is it so easy to do?
Last night my husband went to work his third shift job, the job he has come to loathe this past year as management has decided to turn the place upside down, to the entire plant being evacuated because of a bomb threat. For the past month they have had to have their belongings searched as they've walked into the plant because of the threats of blowing the plant up, now a real threat called in saying it was in there. My husband had to wait outside for hours while the entire plant was searched for this bomb-which there was none.
What about next time though-tonight? Next week..month? Its crazy to think that someone would actually do this-but our world is no stranger to crazy. When I think about all that has happened in this plant this past year such as:
No overtime for electricians, no double-time pay on the weekend and watch every move you make, because management will write you up for the most ridiculous of "wrongs" i.e. A man was recently written up for "passing gas while on the job" -his course of action to take next time was to ask the floor supervisor to use the bathroom, or shut off the line.
Insanity.
Small amounts of employees have been fired-not enough to make it newsworthy as our economy sinks further you have to wonder what depths someone will go to in the name of money? Justice? Anger?
When the union you pay your dues to doesn't lift a finger to help you-you tend to get agitated. You start to wonder about a good sized plant gets a bomb threat, its evacuated and hundreds of people are standing outside-how does the media not get a hold of this? Conspiracy?
I'm not one to get crazy about that kind of stuff-it makes you think though-I have my hope in Christ. We may be financially burdened right now-frustrated and upset with the politics of unions and corporations-but that doesn't make me want to blow up a building with innocent employees.
The only thing I can do during these times-is to trust in Him. I have no control over any of this. I can worry all I want but it won't change anything,. So I will willingly put my faith the Lord. Life will be scary at times, frustrating and upsetting, but He is constant. He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I can only hope and pray that whoever is threatening and maybe really thinking about doing something this damaging-will be stopped and find peace.
John 16:33
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
Last night my husband went to work his third shift job, the job he has come to loathe this past year as management has decided to turn the place upside down, to the entire plant being evacuated because of a bomb threat. For the past month they have had to have their belongings searched as they've walked into the plant because of the threats of blowing the plant up, now a real threat called in saying it was in there. My husband had to wait outside for hours while the entire plant was searched for this bomb-which there was none.
What about next time though-tonight? Next week..month? Its crazy to think that someone would actually do this-but our world is no stranger to crazy. When I think about all that has happened in this plant this past year such as:
No overtime for electricians, no double-time pay on the weekend and watch every move you make, because management will write you up for the most ridiculous of "wrongs" i.e. A man was recently written up for "passing gas while on the job" -his course of action to take next time was to ask the floor supervisor to use the bathroom, or shut off the line.
Insanity.
Small amounts of employees have been fired-not enough to make it newsworthy as our economy sinks further you have to wonder what depths someone will go to in the name of money? Justice? Anger?
When the union you pay your dues to doesn't lift a finger to help you-you tend to get agitated. You start to wonder about a good sized plant gets a bomb threat, its evacuated and hundreds of people are standing outside-how does the media not get a hold of this? Conspiracy?
I'm not one to get crazy about that kind of stuff-it makes you think though-I have my hope in Christ. We may be financially burdened right now-frustrated and upset with the politics of unions and corporations-but that doesn't make me want to blow up a building with innocent employees.
The only thing I can do during these times-is to trust in Him. I have no control over any of this. I can worry all I want but it won't change anything,. So I will willingly put my faith the Lord. Life will be scary at times, frustrating and upsetting, but He is constant. He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I can only hope and pray that whoever is threatening and maybe really thinking about doing something this damaging-will be stopped and find peace.
John 16:33
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Another school year begins
I have a 3rd, 2nd grader and Kindergartner. Jaden is still home with me, not quite sure if he loves or hates that they are gone all day. He asks for them, but generally stays occupied. I also keep him busy, while enjoying the fact I can get a whole lot more done during the day-stores are quieter now and not as busy, which is also nice.
Aubrey's first week of 3rd grade has gone well. She is loving her teacher and seeing friends again. She's so social she just loves school-I hope it continues to stay that way!
Kaylyn's first week of 2nd grade has been great too-she comes home bubbly with everything that happened during the day-mostly everything that her teacher says-she repeats back to me. How's that for retaining information?
Ella's first week of Kindergarten hasn't gone as well. Her second day in she fell on the playground. I get the call from the nurse and she is bawling and I try to soothe but over the phone is so hard. I didn't cry when I took her the first day but that was my undoing. Hearing your child hurt and not being able to be there to hug the ouch away is hard. It also reminds me that I can't be there for everything in her life and this is part of her growing experience. After school she was all smiles so that helped, but then I start to hear her and Aubrey tell me how Ella was sent back to class but got lost-Aubrey found her(which I know was God sending her to Ella at the exact time and place she needed her to be) and took her back to class. Today I sent her with money to get a chocolate milk-a treat for the girl's lunch and when they get home I have to hear how Ella didn't know who to ask so didn't get any milk. We went over it, the girls told her as much as they could about how to do it but I guess she just didn't know. My other thought is-um-Teachers, Nurses, Lunch staff-shes in kindergarten-first week-maybe someone could be a little more attentive to those that are obviously still figuring the system out?
Being a parent is so hard. You have to sit and watch them stumble, fall and get back up, you have no control over the circumstances in their lives. My comfort and hope is only in the Lord-I know He loves them so much more than I do, and even in tiny situations like Ella has had this week-He is there always-especially when I'm not there, I can trust in Him.
On a lighter note I have spent the week cleaning. Ok, I did take some time to do some fun things-Josh and I went bowling with Jaden today, just us and the elderly crew, it was fun, sort of a date with just a tiny third wheel. Of course, he was awful cute so we didn't mind having him along ;)
Back to the cleaning-I gave up on trying so hard this summer, so when I looked around and saw opportunity to get the deep cleaning my house has needed done-I attacked. I wasn't stopped by fighting, being asked for food, to be entertained, etc. I just cleaned until I decided to be done and it just feels fresher in here. Probably smells and looks better too.
You have to love to how you feel so accomplished and when they get home from school I wait for the: "oo mom-you've worked so hard!" but instead I got-"mo-om, you didn't take a shower at all today? Why are you still wearing your pj's? Here's my lunchbox to clean out, can I have a snack and watch tv"
filthy adorable children?
Cleaning during the day means I get my nights back to relax and that's my cue to head out-I believe I hear a book calling to me....
Aubrey's first week of 3rd grade has gone well. She is loving her teacher and seeing friends again. She's so social she just loves school-I hope it continues to stay that way!
Kaylyn's first week of 2nd grade has been great too-she comes home bubbly with everything that happened during the day-mostly everything that her teacher says-she repeats back to me. How's that for retaining information?
Ella's first week of Kindergarten hasn't gone as well. Her second day in she fell on the playground. I get the call from the nurse and she is bawling and I try to soothe but over the phone is so hard. I didn't cry when I took her the first day but that was my undoing. Hearing your child hurt and not being able to be there to hug the ouch away is hard. It also reminds me that I can't be there for everything in her life and this is part of her growing experience. After school she was all smiles so that helped, but then I start to hear her and Aubrey tell me how Ella was sent back to class but got lost-Aubrey found her(which I know was God sending her to Ella at the exact time and place she needed her to be) and took her back to class. Today I sent her with money to get a chocolate milk-a treat for the girl's lunch and when they get home I have to hear how Ella didn't know who to ask so didn't get any milk. We went over it, the girls told her as much as they could about how to do it but I guess she just didn't know. My other thought is-um-Teachers, Nurses, Lunch staff-shes in kindergarten-first week-maybe someone could be a little more attentive to those that are obviously still figuring the system out?
Being a parent is so hard. You have to sit and watch them stumble, fall and get back up, you have no control over the circumstances in their lives. My comfort and hope is only in the Lord-I know He loves them so much more than I do, and even in tiny situations like Ella has had this week-He is there always-especially when I'm not there, I can trust in Him.
On a lighter note I have spent the week cleaning. Ok, I did take some time to do some fun things-Josh and I went bowling with Jaden today, just us and the elderly crew, it was fun, sort of a date with just a tiny third wheel. Of course, he was awful cute so we didn't mind having him along ;)
Back to the cleaning-I gave up on trying so hard this summer, so when I looked around and saw opportunity to get the deep cleaning my house has needed done-I attacked. I wasn't stopped by fighting, being asked for food, to be entertained, etc. I just cleaned until I decided to be done and it just feels fresher in here. Probably smells and looks better too.
You have to love to how you feel so accomplished and when they get home from school I wait for the: "oo mom-you've worked so hard!" but instead I got-"mo-om, you didn't take a shower at all today? Why are you still wearing your pj's? Here's my lunchbox to clean out, can I have a snack and watch tv"
Cue deflated balloon.
Sigh. Well what can you expect from those Cleaning during the day means I get my nights back to relax and that's my cue to head out-I believe I hear a book calling to me....
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