Never Give Up

There are times when you have changing moments, I feel like I've had a year of them. As I've continued on the path of weight loss, all its ups, downs, and figuring out the heart change-not just being on a diet. Josh and I both made goals and one of mine included running a mile. Does that sound small and insignificant? Probably to most it does, and maybe even a little silly. Here's the thing. I've never run a full mile without walking or stopping. I was never athletic( and not claiming to be so now!) when I was younger, I played soccer in elementary and gave it up along with my one season of basketball and softball-boy was I awful at both of those sports! I moved on to my favorite past time of music and stuck with that. Running never appealed to me, but they actually make you do it in school-for a grade. My kids tell me they still do. I'm not trying to say they shouldn't-what I've never liked-what started my avoidance of running-is the fact that they timed you. If you were unable to get it done in a certain amount of time-you had to do it over, and over, and over. I'm not competitive, I didn't have a lot of determination, especially when it came to running. So I cheated. My gym class was about 50-60 kids, running around a track, and you were responsible for running the four laps and getting the time on your last lap. I jog/walked three. I had thought I had figured out how to do it so that the teacher didn't know I cheated-but looking back I'm sure they knew a lot of us did it. I always thought I had beat the system, I passed gym class(barely) and figured that part of my life was over. I realize now, I only cheated myself. I gave up on trying, gave up on getting better, and it only became easier to give up in other areas. I didn't have a plan for when I was going to attempt to run a mile, thought I would do it by fall and life got busy, so I put it on the back burner of-its too cold-I'll do it next year. Until I heard about the annual Turkey Trot. Its a fundraiser for the YMCA and they have a 1mile Family Fun Run. I always giggle when I hear "fun" and "run" in the same sentence. I've just never though of running as fun as for me, its hard work and hard work doesn't equate to fun. I figured I'd sign up our whole family and take the pressure off myself of actually running the whole mile without stopping. If you take your kids, of course you will have to stop, and then the blame rests on them, not myself...right?? As I was signing up I realized we would not be able to afford for all of us to participate, and couldn't figure how to only take a few of the kids,so to be fair(to them) I was the only one that signed up. I planned to meet a friend as she was signed up with her family and felt glad I wasn't going to do this alone but I got nervous the week of the race. What was I doing? I have NEVER participated in any race, I didn't know what I was doing-where did I pin the paper on my shirt, what do I wear if its cold-or warm and then the doubt and pressure crept in. This was it, I had a chance to finally get over a hurdle and embarrassing moment in my life of being a mile cheater. I've been losing  weight, training in the gym, but could I run one mile-and not stop? I prayed on the drive down that morning, asking God to give me strength of mind. I knew I wouldn't be able to do this alone, as I've so easily given up in this area especially in my life, I needed God to get me through it. I can't say I had a peace that this was it, I was going to do it, but I did know that He was with me, whether I was going to make it..or not. As I started out I was in awe of the people around me-kids, adults, dogs, people with strollers, people in wheelchairs.. all smiling, some laughing, there were having fun. I tried to adjust my pace as I could tell I was going too fast and would burn out quickly. I had no idea where I was going-I had looked at the map of the route-but even though this was my city and I've driven this street I'm jogging on a million times, I, as usual, didn't understand the map. I followed the crowd and got to a point where I realized we were going up a street and then coming up on the turn-a-round. I started to struggle, feeling a little like I wasn't going to be able to make it, if I hadn't made the halfway point-how was I going to get to the end?? The halfway point came up before I knew it and I was on my way back and still considering giving up. It felt too long, too hard and started to tell myself it was okay, I could try to do the mile another day, but then God showed up-audibly. It wasn't His voice particularly, but the voice of my friend's friend. She was encouraging her daughter, her very young daughter that she could do it. It was a constant stream of encouragement, telling her daughter she could do this, telling her how to breathe a cramp in her side out, not to give up, the end was in coming up and she was going to make it. I listened to those beautiful words, and took them for myself-and thanked God for putting her next to me at that moment in time. Suddenly I saw the banner of the finish line and got excited-I was going to do it. The closer I got I was able to see the sign with the time on it, and felt a bit of disappointment as it wasn't what I expected to see, but shoved that off as I realized that wasn't why I was there. I was merely feet away from completing a whole mile, running(okay jogging) non-stop. I'm not ashamed to say that the tears came quickly and I was elated that I had overcome.. I made it.. I completed another goal. I quickly hugged my friend as I passed through the finish line and kept walking as I was so overcome with emotion I needed a minute to let it set in. One mile. Nothing big or life changing to others-but to me-it meant so much. I didn't give up, God gave me the strength to get through and accomplish this goal. 

 

Turkey Trot 2012

My number  means  I was in the 1 mile, not the 5 mile race. To me, it represents the first race I've ever participated in. The first time I've ever run one mile. That putting God first in my life, He can accomplish great things through me.

Clothes: A weightloss issue.

You get excited for that result, losing sizes,and fitting into old clothes. It's like the ultimate test beyond the number on that scale, the number that can make you want to chuck it out the window..and the number you scream- I DID IT!!!
 I've gotten to experience all that this year and as the cold has come, started to try on clothes I had saved from previous years that I always wanted to get back in to. I was shocked that everything was too big. I'm still not to my goal, but didn't think I had decreased past sizes I was only a few years ago.
So I started to purge everything that didn't fit me. This photo shows every piece of clothing I own that fits me right now. Most everything is work out clothes, short sleeved at that, and I own 1 pair of jeans. I have a whole other set of empty hangers on the bottom rung, not pictured.






I didn't take a picture of Josh's side of the closet but its the same thing. It is exciting and inspiring us to keep on doing what we are doing, to not ever look back at the old 'us'. The problem right now is.. its expensive to buy a whole new wardrobe...for both of us. You will see me in the same shirts, or always wearing work out clothes, but that just means I'm
1.Cheap ;)
2. Still working on getting to my goal!
Now.. off to donate the boxes of clothing I never intend to fit into again!

Insecurity

Idols.

 In this day and age, the first thought in our minds is celebrity's, someone we admire. Not so much the idols of old, where people would make something from wood, gold, silver to bow down and worship it-actually there are still people that do that today. In the Bible, many made idols and expected this man made thing to bring them rain, food, whatever their "need" was, they asked this..object for. I read it and think, that is so stupid. I don't buy something from Pottery Barn, bow down to it, and expect it to fulfill me. Except-if I was to dig deep in my soul, I actually have more idols than I realize. 

I'm working through a study at church called Stuck. It caught my attention because I know there are areas in my life I get stuck-many areas. One that was brought up recently is  insecurity and fear of people. At the risk of looking like a fool  here, it is a problem I deal with. To be bluntly honest-I worry about what others think of me. Growing up I used to look at everyone's freckle free face and wonder what was wrong with me, thinking that everyone thought I was ugly because of it. I have a hard time meeting new people for fear they won't like my appearance or personality, to the point that I stay in my shell and don't meet any new people. When I do branch out, I will go home and stress over saying-or not saying-the right things, did I dress well enough... did they accept me? This plagues me to the point that I'm unsure of how to act around others the next time I see them and usually wait for some cue I'm good or "in".

 I have made this an idol in my life.

 The author of Stuck gave the visual of a sit 'n spin. I'm on this sit 'n spin  thinking about what I looked like, said, didn't say, whether I was accepted-for what? What can come from any of this that will add a day to my life?

 In reality its taking away.

 My focus should always be vertical. My first and foremost thoughts should rest on God alone. My worry over this insecurity..this fear.. has given it more value than the God of the universe. I can't live for my selfish vanity of being "okay" with people, I am here for a purpose. To live a life of worship to the Most High God, to share His love with others, I cannot waste another moment of my time with this idol.
 Galatians 1:10 If I were still trying to please man,I would not be a servant of Christ. 
I can't do both. I am not perfect but today-I chose to go vertical, forget my made up thoughts of others of me and who I am. I know whose I am-I am His and He loved me so much, He sent His son to die for me.
I want my life to be all out, not held in by fears. Time to get uncomfortable.

Growing Up

It's about time we grew up, guess now is as good a time as any!  Jaden just ditched the crib for a race car toddler bed-for almost 10 years we've had a crib in this house with one child in it-about to be kicked out for the newest sibling to occupy it. The crib is ready to leave our family -and its so weird to be out of that phase of life-forever.

Age is just a number, I really don't care what's young/old by anyone's standards. I'm just living life-then life says hey-remember when you were in your 20's and had one baby after another and used that crib to hold your sweet sleeping baby, night after night? Yea, you aren't going to be doing that anymore, but never fear! The next hurdle is on its way-its called-the Tween years! I didn't even think about this "tween" thing until I was searching out birthday party ideas for Aubrey, who is about to be 10 in 2 weeks, and Google let me know what the best party was for my "tween"

Um. 

Huh?

I only had to pause for a minute to think about this-tween, in be"tween" child and teenager, and the attitude, mouth and emotional roller coaster my "tween" has displayed the past month. 

Yup.

Fits like a glove.

Just as I remember getting out of sleepless nights from Aubrey, along came Kaylyn and when Kaylyn was potty trained, here came Ella..then Jaden. 

So basically its time to batten down the hatches folks, there's a lot of growing up about to happen in this house-as one turns into a tween, the next and the next.. we will then be swept like a hurricane into full blown teen years. I don't know whether its a sign we are doing a good job as parents or a complete failure, when your kid tells you they want to run away? Although with the week we've had I could *almost* pack her bags for her and send her on her way. It hurts to hear she is that upset with us as parents, but I remind her how much we love her and remind myself its the tough days in life that we have the most opportunity to grow. I encourage her to rise above the difficulty of wanting to go her own way and get to the other side where maturity and strong, moral character awaits.

Halfway There!

Yes-I'm (over by 3lbs) halfway to my goal weight!

 

I couldn't find a good before picture, I had one, but I put it in some obscure folder and now I can't find it-ha!
Since February 2012 I have now lost a total of 38 pounds!
That may be slow to some, but for me, its pretty darn good. I haven't lost this much at one time ever, unless you count that baby weight that hangs on for 6 weeks postpartum before you start to be able to button your pants again.
I think what I'm most proud of is that I'm still doing it, still working on it, and weight keeps coming off. Despite having 4 kids, school activities, summer, work, and all those other things in life that are easy excuses to put off exercising or taking time to make a healthy meal. I'm still not perfect at this new lifestyle, but every day I have a choice to make. If I fail, I pick back up and start again the next meal, if I succeed, I anxiously await those numbers to fall on the scale.
I can't tell you how many times I've tried on old jeans, you know, the one that fit me 8 years ago? The ones that I could totally button up today-YES! Victory!! Well almost, until I realized they were flared and not just tiny flare, I mean, they almost could have been bell bottoms.
sigh.
So long Silvertab jeans,I really thought we were going to be friends again, but you've gone out of style and I have to move on-or be made fun of.
I have that anxious energy to go buy new things-go shopping period is something I hated to do before and now I am loving it, have so many more options and yet I'm such a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl, I get sort of dazed when I approach the clothing section. I'll give myself time to acclimate back into the world of shopping-when I get even closer to my goal weight ;)
Josh has been training me a few nights a week at QC Barbell and still doing the Take Shape for Life program with the Medifast foods.
More updates to follow :)

Weightloss Journey

It's now July and I have been working intentionally on losing weight for 5 months now.
In the beginning it was a struggle to make the changes, but I got it going and saw fast results. I'm just about halfway(1 pound away!) from my goal weight and while I feel I have done well, I can still get down when I think about how much further I need to go. I can easily focus on all my problem areas, feel self-conscious about myself and how I look-and I need to constantly remind myself-that's not ALL its about.

My goal isn't to be skinny, my goal is to be healthy.

I am human though and I will admit that my horrible self-esteem has kept me from public pools. I'm not saying I don't have a slight panic attack before we head out to a pool, but I do have to get my mind in check and realize I didn't go to the pool for any other reason than to have fun with my family, my kids don't care what I look like-just that I'm there-playing with them.
I was out jogging (yes-still attempting the jogging-ha!) and was really about ready to quit, I mean so ready to be done I about called Josh to come pick me up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a car slow and window roll down and thought..great, this person must think I'm dying and need assistance...when I heard her shout-"Yeah! Looking good! Keep going!"I recognized her as a parent from our kids school, I smiled, shouted a thanks and pressed on. The Lord knew I needed a push that morning and I was so surprised she would cheer me on, and I am SO thankful  for her encouragement, I finished well that day and she probably doesn't even know how much she helped me that day.
When you change your heart, you get a complete, long lasting change, when you only work on the surface, its temporal. I know I need to constantly keep myself in check, the way I do that is through prayer. I used to think that God wasn't interested in my weight. I don't think he cares about a size, but I do believe He cares about what I'm putting into and doing to my body. I've ruined mine with food and laziness, and with His mercy and strength,  I'm on the road to long lasting, healthy changes. Daily I have to ask for His strength regarding my food choices, to keep my mind in check, remembering this is a process and its not going to happen over night. Knowing that He will be with me every step of the way.

Divine Intervention

I've been working through a study by Priscilla Shirer on Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. I didn't think about the title too much until the first week of study where we watched the video and I started to think about all the ways I'm interrupted: phone calls, work, kids, flat tires, etc. Nothing major, right? I got that uneasy feeling by the end of the night, I'm in this study for a reason, does that mean a bigger interruption is heading my way? I prayed that would not be the case and yet dug in to see what God wanted to teach me-whether interruption was coming or not.

I keep referring to it as interruptions, but what I'm currently focusing on is taking..whatever the circumstance is.. and attributing it to a Divine Intervention. Whether big or small, if I look at whatever the task at hand is, as from the Lord, my attitude will *hopefully* navigate towards the positive. Life needs balance and when a tiny kink, a medium sized wrench, or a giant boulder is thrown into my day, I get thrown off kilter. There is no balance or peace that can be compared to that which comes from the Lord.

The week our Divine Intervention came into our family she started the lesson with John 16:33

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world"

I love that my Bible has the red lettering for words that Jesus spoke, because especially that night, in that moment, reading those words was complete joy for my soul. Jesus spoke these words.. not that we might have tribulation.. that we WILL... and that He already had it covered. He has our back. He will give us peace.
She then took oranges, limes and a lemon and squeezed the juice out into a glass while speaking about Jonah getting a second chance, that God spoke to him a second time and she said..." only after we've been squeezed, can we be poured out and be a blessing to others"
Now I don't know what the blessing to others looks like in my life, but I do know.. I'm being squeezed, I hope and pray that somewhere in my life I will do as God asks and that my obedience will bless another and glorify Him.
I sat there that night just in awe of our God. How great and awesome He is, to speak to me. The Creator of the world would reach down, in my unworthiness, and speak..to me? He did, and He does-to all of us. He loves us so much and that love is amazing and I felt it that night and have tried to just seek Him out daily to get filled with the love that can only come from Him.  I don't enjoy being squeezed right now, being pushed to my limits emotionally, having my faith tested and tried, but another thing Priscilla said that gave me hope is that "the enemy will never push you into a place where you need God more" Oh how true that is-the enemy only wants to make my life turn from the Lord and into myself. This Divine Intervention has turned Josh and I to Him more and even though we could be in turmoil and fear-we have peace. Actually we even have joy. We are having fun, laughing, all the while being realistic about our situation, we know God has moved us to this place for a reason. 

The test is to be patient, be willing, and trust. 

While I know I've been vague on our Divine Intervention, I cannot share yet what that is. Soon I will be able to, and in the meantime, prayers are appreciated, mostly that Josh and I will be steadfast, listening to the Lord and have discernment over all of this.
Our journey of 2012 started with our health and we are still fervently working on this area, excited about the changes that are happening within this area of our lives and continuing on daily. I am almost to my halfway point to my goal weight, and the journey will continue for the rest of our lives as this isn't a one time deal, this is forever change. The rest of 2012 is a mystery, but we are leaving it in the capable hands of our Creator and will end with this, specifically for this situation,
2 Samuel 22:50 "For this I will praise you, o Lord, among the nations, and sing praises to your name"

WIC Peer Counseling

As many of you know I work for Women, Infants, Children(WIC) as a Breastfeeding Peer Counselor. I got hired in December of 2009 and have been working to support women in their breastfeeding(BF) goals ever since.
My job doesn't seem like much, making phone calls, teaching some classes, hosting support groups, etc, but I feel it actually is a very important job.  If you've never had any trouble BF, or never even had the inclination to breastfeed, you may wonder why its such a big deal, but if you are a mom, or know a mom that struggled with BF or never knew anything about it but wanted to know how to do it, maybe even had help from a peer counselor-you may know what I'm speaking about.
This isn't about making someone BF, or making them feel bad about not BF, or how long they did, this is about every mom that wanted to, struggled to and didn't know where to turn to.
When I start hearing in the news that our government wants to completely cut the funding of the WIC Peer Counseling program I don't feel upset about that for my own job, but for all those moms, who possibly won't have the opportunity to FREE help from their local WIC offices. Sure, there are Lactation Consultants(IBCLC) at local hospital's, private practice IBCLC's, La Leche League leaders, etc. who are MORE than capable, to help a mom with BF, I refer my clients to them often and believe they are SO important to moms as well. You know the difference though? As a peer counselor, my job is to seek YOU out. As a peer counselor I have my clients in a binder, a call list and my job is to consistently check in with prenatal and postpartum mom's. I have my phone with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, no really.. I do. A mom that is on WIC can reach me at anytime if she has a question or a BF issue, sometimes mom's want help, sometimes they don't-the most important thing? I and hundreds of other peer counselor's in the United States are ready, willing and available to help a mom through one of the most crucial start's of a baby's life.
What am I asking of you?
If you feel that BF support is important, whether for yourself or you can understand what other mom's in our community, our state, our country need this type of support, please click this link and fill out the form to let your representative know that you want this put back into the funding.

Legislative Action
Tell your representative

Camping(picture heavy)

We went camping this weekend, just one night, but for me-it was enough. I'm just not an outdoorsy person., I haven't ever really cared for it, but I go and do my best not to complain and really, Josh loves to camp and I want the kids to have the opportunity to love-or hate it-for themselves!
We went after church on Sunday to Wildcat Den(after watching the movie, The Grey, I wasn't thrilled with our camping spot).
The kids help set up the tent:

 and then we basically let the kids play and we relaxed until it was time to start the fire which the girls were fascinated by the flint:

Josh thought those huge campfire marshmallows would be good for smores but we found they were a pain to cook,the kids didn't care!

It took Kaylyn 10 minutes to get through this!
Here are my 4(..well 5 though he didn't want his picture taken) reasons for going camping!

Made to Crave

I mentioned this book in my last post and I wanted to talk about it a bit more.
I'm not yet at my goal weight, but my heart is there and in time I'm going to get there. I've half-heartedly  tried to lose weight after every child. I pushed it from the front of my "must fix now" list because I didn't feel convicted it was a big problem. So what if I had extra pounds or more than just extra, I "just" had a baby, or I had 4 kids, aren't I allowed to have an imperfect body? Imperfect? Yup. Eating what I wanted, being lazy, not exercising? Nope. I knew better than that, but I excused it away, made it acceptable. The only problem was I didn't feel good about the way I looked, the way I felt in my clothes. I heard about Lysa Terkhurst and her book Made to Crave. I got excited about it the way I got excited about every other New, Exciting, Amazing weight loss program. I of course got online and checked out the book, the resources, the freebies and thought, cool! I'll like that on facebook and be good! Add that to my growing list of emails, you know, Weight Watchers, Jillian (from Biggest Loser), Biggest Loser, Spark People...you know how all those emails you sit and read motivate you to eat right and workout! Yea. No.
So I ignored it like I did everything else but I kept hearing more about it through radio, facebook, and got the guilt trip.

AKA-

conviction 

 Black Friday. Yup. That's when I picked it up. The Family Christian Bookstore had it for the Doorbuster sale of $5! So I picked it up and stacked it and there it sat for the next month. I had told a friend and my mom that I had bought it, so they would ask me every so often-"Hey! Did you start that book yet?" ummm. no, I didn't. Tomorrow. I totally will start it tomorrow. 

I'm not even sure what day I actually did pick it up on, but once I did. I was done. I didn't even make it to chapter one.

 Lysa had me at Introduction

The introduction is titled: Finding your "Want to".  I mean really, how did she know? God knew. I had heard her speak the little blurbs on KLOVE from her Proverbs 31 ministries and knew she was enjoyable and fun to listen to and her book was no different. So right there on the intro page is this:

 "It's not the "how to" that's missing. It's the "want to"... really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice"

Worth the sacrifice-yea that was something I rarely did when it came to food and exercise. I always made it fit into my life. If I was too busy, had something to celebrate or really if I just didn't want to-I didn't sacrifice anything.  The further I got in the book the more I realized this was what God wanted for me. I had put this off for way too long, it couldn't be ignored and I wasn't going this alone. God cares about me too much to let me sit in this state. He wants my best, wants me at my best, so now is the time to do it.

I haven't done the study guide, just the book, I want to dig deeper as I'm still continuing on this journey of weight loss, but I'm so excited that as I go along this journey-my relationship with the Lord is what I am craving more and more. When I am weak, He is strong....more to come!

Getting Personal about weight loss

   It's no secret that I've struggled with my weight for quite a few years now. I've never been a dieter, I never worked out hardcore, I always thought if I put a little bit of effort in, the weight would just come off. 

Unfortunately that is not the case. 

    I never thought I was someone that had food issues. I ate what I wanted, I worked out when I wanted and let every day things of life come first. I've always been uncomfortable about where I fit in in general, but when I started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin,  putting on my clothes, going out in public, having people see what I'd done to myself-I knew I had to make big changes.

I had seen great results from Stroller Strides classes, and it was probably the best exercise class I've gone to-physically demanding and challenging, and fun at the same time! Unfortunately my work schedule had gotten busier and the times didn't work for me to keep that up and I had to let it go. One of the major things I loved about the class is that you don't have to walk into a gym, clueless, surrounded by athletes and feel inferior. I could go to class, surrounded by mom's, women, and an amazing instructor who for an hour, would tell me exactly what to do and workout with others who were feeling the burn right there with you.  

    So I reluctantly signed up for the gym, knowing I had to do this, on my own, and that was daunting. 

Little did I know, that was the best thing for me. I had too long relied on others to tell me what I should be doing for working out, when, how, where... I needed to realize my responsibility in this journey and go for it. I'm sure I looked lost in the gym-and probably still do at times-but I made it a point to get there. Sometimes at weird hours, occasionally I found stuff to do at home when getting to the gym that day was impossible, the point is, I made a choice-and each day I continue to make a choice. 

    A major part of this journey is God. I "knew" that God was in every part of my life, wanted Him to be in every part of my life-though I completely neglected giving my weight over to Him. This may sound odd, but other then feeling uncomfortable in my skin-the conviction I got from the food I would eat, the lazy habits I chose was not to be denied. I couldn't deny that God wanted much more from me than to let food and laziness have any control in my life. I picked up the book Made to Crave and was floored by the truth hidden inside. It's not a lengthy book, but I couldn't put it down and had to reread chapters as I didn't want to miss a thing. I have learned that the Lord wants so much more for me, that  surrendering every single part of my life is vital to my relationship with Him. My weight could no longer be ignored, He wanted me to deal with it and I still am-daily. My weakness gave way to His strength-and He gets all the glory for any changes I've made.

During this time Josh also started a new gym and that's where a lot of our big changes started happening. I hadn't been consistent enough nor made enough food changes to really see a difference, though when Josh met Grant with QC Barbell and started his program we both started changing. We completely changed our food habits, watched everything we ate and worked out hard. Having Josh so fired up about the gym and our eating habits helped fuel me to keep going and working together on this has brought us closer. We now are both on a food program, Medifast, with Take Shape for Life. We buy their food, and it pretty much has made it easy. We started eating 5 of their meals 1 lean and green of our own,then it goes down to 4 and 2, 3 and 3, etc. until you have reached your weight loss goal and are eating healthy on your own. You can check it out Take Shape for Life

The bottom line for me is, I feel better. I'm not yet at the goal weight I set, but I'm working towards it and I'm excited about getting there.  I'm not doing this half-hearted anymore, I'm not waiting for all the kids to be in school to focus on me, I'm choosing to fit it in whenever I can, each day. Some days are more of a struggle than others, and that's why God is so vital and important-He is in everything, He made me, He is my everything, so my help comes from Him. 

So that's it, laid it all out there-stay tuned-more updates to follow!

Away from Home

So, I'm away from my family for a week long training for work. In theory this sounded like a good idea. Get extra training, *hopefully* get a certification, do much better at my job, and enjoy some time away.

In reality- I had major anxiety about leaving, especially the day of, I'm in the middle of my week now and miss my family SO much.  I'm sitting in a classroom for 8 hours a day and though I'm trying to meet other people in class, I still feel so lonely.

I also have major guilt about leaving my family, feeling selfish and keep asking myself-what am I doing? Why am I doing this? My head knows I'm doing the right thing, my heart speaks volumes louder and I spend most of class time wondering how my kids are doing, I can't sleep wondering if anyone misses me and how much I miss their hugs and kisses.

Last week there was a media frenzy over a comment that was made about stay at home mom's. I kind of feel in the middle of a stay at home mom and working mom. My job is flexible that I can do it mostly from home, but there are weeks that I'm in the office 3-4 times a week, and then of course, now. I'm not even home. My job has taken me from home completely. I struggle with, is this right and good for my family? I feel I'm constantly evaluating the effect it has on my husband, kids, and the state of my house-which I imagine can't look too well at this moment in time. HA!

Every mom has to make the right choice for her family, and we need to not feel guilty about it. *I* need to stop feeling guilty about it! Now I'll say this to myself for the next 2 days and hopefully it will sink in??! :P

Even though I have to be away, I"m confident my husband is doing an amazing job with the kids-getitng in lots of  Daddy time and getting to do lots of things I normally say no to. OH to be fly on the wall there!

Thank goodness for Skype I get to see my kiddos each night so that helps my heart -some.

Crafting soap holders

I made these a few months ago, quite a few steps in the tutorial, but really fairly easy to put together. I love how easy it is to get to versus digging all over for it- a.k.a the bottom of my purse!
Tutorial here at a Lemon Squeezy Home-its a great tutorial!

Changes

Remember that scene from Mary Poppins when she's about to arrive and a huge wind blows all the other nannies away? Gosh I love that movie and that was one of my favorite parts. I sort of feel like that is happening in my life. Probably not quite the major windstorm that would be-though it would be fun to see some people in my life just blow away with the wind....(did I just say that out loud??) There's change a'blowin' in the wind!

I think change is good. It can be scary, but usually, change is for the better. One thing I can rest assured in, the current changes are with the Lord's guidance and that gives me peace.

I have been fighting some changes for a time now, and while I still am stubbornly holding onto some things, I have come to realize that change is inevitable. Knowing that if I want to grow and let the Lord mold me, I shouldn't even be surprised by change.
He is teaching me so much and this is what I love the most about the Lord. When I am actively seeking Him, when I am spending time with Him-He shows up-He speaks to my heart- He just loves on me in a way no human being can possibly even understand!
This past Sunday during worship He spoke to my heart. I stopped singing, I was too choked up, and then I felt that immense peace.
I was so shocked by the still.small.voice.

"See, I am making a new creation, I make all things new"

At that moment I had peace, which then later-of course as I let it marinate in my head-got a bit fearful. What part is being made new? When? I had to cut out the frantic thinking and just let it rest. One thing I need to remember is to actually do just that-rest. Let Him take care of all the details and stay in tune with Him so I know where to go, when to move. 

Change is coming-here's to God's new creation in me!

Frustration and Discipline

These two words can sum up my past two weeks.

Frustration because I took my eyes off what I should have been doing and focused on a bunch of other crap that in the end, is spurring me on to something greater.

A few years ago I had stopped watching morning news programs. I would occasionally see something if I was checking the morning weather but wouldn't sit and watch for hour(s) like I had before. After I stopped watching then would see something, awful be it a news story and or horrible slanted reporting, I'd rant and rave and shut it off yet again. I've been moving slower in the morning, we'd had every other day waking up to falling snow and I'd get on the TV to see if we had a school delay or cancellation. So I yet again, got caught up in one story or another and started getting frustrated. The reporting, the slanting, the stories of awful things people did-on and on. During that time one of the stories was about Paula Deen. The whole world is upset with her for her cooking and not being up front about her diabetes. I saw this absolutely ridiculous segment with Matt Lauer and "The Power Players" as they like to call themselves-complete nobody's if you ask me. So these "Power Players" are Star Jones, Donnie Deutsch, and Dr. Nancy Schneiderman(spelling probably wrong-sorry) They all weighed in (no pun intended, ok maybe a lil intended!) on Paula Deen's situation.  The thing that got me the most was the Dr.'s comment as the conversation switched to Paula Deen-to Gov. Chris Christie.
The "good" Dr. said, Gov. Christie shouldn't run for Pres. now or ever, because he is unfit. If he tried to get in the Army, he'd be rejected for his weight, the same standard should be for a Presidency. How we would know that Mr. Christie would be able to push himself away from the dinner table and make a Presidential decision?

Its not a verbatim comment, but you can find the video and that is basically her take, and I have to say, I completely disagree.

Yes, this subject hits close to home, as weight is my struggle as well. What struck me is, so if I am overweight, anyone is overweight, they are unfit to lead? Unfit to make decisions? Being heavy is nothing to be proud of, and it is a symbol of brokenness, I will be the first to admit that. My weight is my shame, and honestly its my biggest failure. I have many faults, some you can't see, some you can-this one you can see, and its something I struggle with daily, but that makes me unfit to be a leader? To make a good decision? I am realizing that I'm probably judged on my weight anytime I walk into a room and that snap judgements will be made on who I am as a person, what kind of life I live, because of how I look.I don't want to worry about how I look or what I weigh as the measure of my life, but I think this society does and from now on will do so.
 If we judged everyone by their weight as equal to their brains-we'd be a very stupid society.
Did  we judge our current President on his smoking habit? I'm sure I remember it being talked about but not in this form, that it would render him incapable of making good decisions, which, if you ask me, might actually be true. (don't stone me I"m kidding.. or am I? ha)

I started hearing the word "discipline" tossed around and it hit me. I'm so undisciplined in so many areas in my life, that's what I'm missing, and that's why I'm frustrated so much.
I was undisciplined to keep the morning news off
                              to exercise daily
                              to read my Bible daily
                              to pray daily
 and really the list could go on and on.


So that is my goal for every day, to learn to be disciplined in my life, in all I do, though I will have to start small to get there, but I will get there. I will also have to realize that in this life, people will fail, I will fail, but God never fails and when my hope, my everything is placed in Him, my life will be as it should be.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord Himself will fight for you, Just stay calm

Your Child is Not Your Best Friend

We got off track a bit in our house and I was caught off guard at how frustrated I was daily with my kids' attitudes, behaviors, lack of respect and most of  all lack of responsibility. I looked at their room, watched their behavior with me and each other, listened to what they said and I was not pleased with what I saw and heard. I don't know how we got here, but we're here and it's time to shut it down.
My first question I had to ask was, how did they get so irresponsible?? When did it become ok to throw shoes, coats, gloves, paper, apples, etc on the floor?? I literally watched my 5 year old take a bite out of an apple and proceed to then set it on the floor slightly under the chair, as if I'd never find it.

Mama lost it. 

I answered my own question within a day when I realized how much I direct their every step. As we walk in the door from school, I say the same thing I've said every day-

"Go hang up your coat, put your back pack on the table, put your shoes away and come back to work on homework." 

 Even though I've said that everyday(with a modification being there are no coats to put away) they still don't follow through, and as I've looked through backpacks and pulled out homework, made piles and gotten out pencils, I've neglected to follow through with checking that they did as told and have later found coats strewn on the floor of their room and "lost" shoes by next morning.  I'm figuring that by ages 9,7 and 5(I'll give the 5yr old a tiny bit of leeway as this is her first year of school, but not much) they know to hang up their coat, put their shoes away and get their own homework out. 

Basically I'm teaching them to BE irresponsible.  

I gave them the details yesterday. I'm not going to repeat myself. You know that when we get home from school, we do the same routine everyday, and I should not have to tell you what to do-you need to just do it. Not doing what you know you are to do will result in a consequence for failed behavior. 

My oldest was the first to cop  an attitude and got the first punishment this morning. I let my husband give it out as I was fighting the urge to let it go. I didn't want her day ruined at school because she disobeyed and we had to punish her. I knew he was right and let him punish her and we both hugged her and told her we loved her before she left. How easy it would be to let it go and "deal with it later" when probably we'd both forget and we'd stay in the same routine. I don't know about you, but I know as an adult even, that when I make a mistake, something hurts me in a situation, I make sure I don't do it again. I don't want my children to hurt, but the small hurt now will save from a big hurt later. 

I'm in charge of growing my children to be responsible, contributing members of society, to learn to support themselves financially and most of all I pray that they know, love and serve God. 

We all learn from our failures and mistakes. If I direct every step of my children's lives, expecting them to do little, never letting them learn from their own mistakes, I'm failing as a parent. They may not like me too much right now, but its not my job to be their friend.  Hopefully one day they will understand that. When they grow up, have kids of their own and realize what I'm doing is for their best interest, just like my parents did with me, we can be great friends, like my mom and I are now. 

Boundaries-Choices

I've read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend a few times now and its been life changing for me.
 Why have I read it multiple times? Well, basically because I am someone who needs things beat into my life, I can't just hear something do it, and change myself.  I take the "easy road". The road that looks pretty, safe, and simple. Yet as I walk it, I realize my mistake and as I reach to smell the rose on the lovely path, the thorn cuts, the dream fades and my eyes are opened to the fact that the pretty, safe, simple way is really an illusion.
 So I picked it up again after some unpleasant things went on and Josh and I both realized we have to fix the problem we keep having with some people. The book is just so good though, that it didn't just hit me in on area, it hit me in multiple areas.
 Currently I'm convicted on this one tiny paragraph on choices. It starts explaining on choices lead to the fruit of self-control(Galatians 5:3) The common problem with choices, it explains, is disowning them-laying them at someone else. They lay out how we use the words, "I had to", "She/he made me" when explaining why we did/didn't do something.

I do this all the time

Sad, embarrassing and true. Here's my best example. 

"Hey Josh, we're going to have to go out to eat tonight, pick something up and bring it home. I got caught up with work today, the kids were awful, I had extra errands to run, I'm cramping, I'm tired, I didn't start the dishwasher and well, basically, we have no groceries either." 

True story.

I've made about 50 bad choices in exchange for not making my family a meal, then blamed it on my family, my work, my body... the list goes on.  I'm realizing I make a lot of bad choices, excuse or blame them away and hardly ever take responsibility for them or even come close to changing them. 

Paul in Romans 8:13 explains it very simply how our choices can have dire consequences-, if we choose to live by the Spirit, we will live, if we choose to follow our sinful nature, we will die. 

One of many things I need to work on this year, rather, every day, to change this behavior around and get rid of it. 

I know it isn't going to be easy, I'm not particularly looking forward to it, but I know I will be a better me once I can conquer this sin in my life.